Trainwreck

Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it’s just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it.

David Sedaris

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”

Manager: I’m so sore

Me: From your vacation?

Manager: No, from all the chains and whips for my OTHER job. *wink*

Girl I Work With: I ate an entire large pizza because I’m depressed

Me: I eat entire large pizza’s because I’m happy

Lisa: I need your Netflix account info because I need to watch this shitty show

Me: Which show?

Lisa: Jane By Design

Me: Oh, that’s one of my favorite shows…

Lisa: I love that you watch the shittiest of shit

Me: Just because I don’t believe in God doesn’t mean I don’t believe in fate.

My sister: I’m sorry we just fought about pop punk.

-Charles Bukowski

Professor: What’s the point of going on a date?

Student: To get that honey back at yo’ crib, so ya’ll can get fressssssh!

silence.

Student: I mean, I ain’t tryin’ to make a mama outta her, but you know.

silence.

Girl: I’m a homo and I’m on birth control!

Girl: Zooey Deschanel made the name “Jess” cool

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Girl: I can’t drink a four loko tonight because it has 600 calories